God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
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Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
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Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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