Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
