I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Randomize
