the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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