Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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