listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
wow bdsm is so cute
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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