I CAN MOONWALK!
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
