remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
