I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
