She went from zero to smokin in five shots
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
