and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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