The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize
