he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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