dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
last night I used snow as a chaser
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