i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
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