Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i just had sex bonerless
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
