please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
