In the future we'll all be gay
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
barbara walters just said penis...
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
