me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
My liver just had a heart attack.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
