They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
