A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Then you guys just all showered together...?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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