I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
