He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
