Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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