My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
