am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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