I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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