so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
Come share oat with me in your robe
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
