i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
