what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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