Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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