i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
