Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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