I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
