Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Enjoy the penises
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
