I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
