its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
And then my night got REAL pukey
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Randomize
