why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
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