She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
