I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
We left the knife in your bed.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
