My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
