My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I need to sanitize my soul.
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Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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