I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
