How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
