Im at strip club and am horny
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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