my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
it was nice. we just kind of hung out. she didnt even mention the farting incident.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Randomize
