New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I still have a little drunk in my system
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Randomize
