He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
