This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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