I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
