Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
