fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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