Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
