first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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