Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
Randomize
