I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
