everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
This baby is an asshole
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
