Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
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